Just as I expected I have neglected my blog for an extended period of time. I sat there and promised myself that I would be diligent with my writing to capture a steady following; however, my life has become nearly unmanageably busy the past few weeks. So here I am, after procrastinating for the past few months, my apologies.
In the past couple of months I have felt more like a college student than I ever had in the last two years here in Laramie. As I wrote in “I Wasn’t One of the Four,” I became a total introvert only serving my controlling boyfriend. I became a snail recoiling into her shell and shriveling at the salts of criticism from those who loved me. I just began treating the people around me the same as Michael treated me–horribly. Looking back on the past two years of my life disappoints me, and brings me close to tears at the thought of everything I missed out on. I met him the second month of my freshman year, so the genuine dorm experience I should have had became completely obsolete. Which bums me out terribly. I loved living in the dorms, contrary to others beliefs I had so much fun experiencing that type of living situation that only comes around once in a lifetime. And I threw away 3/4 of it for the first guy I met. Pathetic Katherine. Absolutely pathetic.
But here I am, bouncing back two years later–and what sometimes feels like two years too late. For the first time in 730 days I am absolutely exhilarated at the thought of the life that lies before me. I actually feel like I have options and the freedom to travel and speak my mind, to make new friends and establish new relationships. I have hope that I will grow into the woman I have always wanted to become, the woman that loves herself just as much as she loves life. And I can see myself blooming into her. Just within the past three full months of my complete freedom from the abusive oppression I was enduring I feel alive again.
I know this because people have begun to see me the same way they did two years prior: a happy, thoughtful, giving woman with a constant smile on her face. Sure, I’m exhausted when I get up in the morning after a full day of classes and working until 11:00 each night. And yes, I hate the world and the sunshine for those first few alarm beeps, but after I open my eyes and begin to remember just how great of a life I have that smile gets plastered on my face for the day.
For the first time in my life I feel absolutely beautiful. I went ahead and participated in a nude photo shoot, which is something I have wanted to do for years. I feel like a grown ass woman. I’ve finally finished attempting to fit into a size 4 and starving myself all day. Curves are great, and I never thought that they would make me feel so grown up and mature. I am finally comfortable in my size 6 at 145 pounds, you know why? Because I’m healthy, and when you’re healthy you feel absolutely wonderful.
In the past few months I have reconnected with my best friend, and created a new group of people to hang out with. My own group of friends that share the same beliefs as I do,and I am no longer piggybacking off of my boyfriend and trying to fit in with those ignorant assholes he hangs around. I have once again begun my battle with the social issues that riddle our society and have become an ally to multiple groups. I have spent an ample amount of time with my family and strengthened the ties that were so very weakened from the past two years of neglect. I have stayed at an old guy friend’s house over new years and shared that 1:00 a.m. kiss with him. He was more or less a stranger at this point–having not seen him for five years, but it still felt right… not in the soulmate romantic way, but in the way that I knew what I was doing was making me happy. I proceeded to cling to him on a beautiful snowmobile ride that took us so high into the mountains that we were level with the backside of the Tetons, the view was breathtaking. I have excelled in my new job of Copy Desk Chief, I have begun to thoroughly enjoy my classes once again, and finally . . . I can tell that my soul is irrevocably happy.